Unfinished Yet Powerful: Can It Still Be a Testimony?

God will meet you where you are.

Throughout my healing journey, God has shown up in unexpected ways. I remember a time when my relationship with God felt strained. I even wrote a blog post about why I left religion for spirituality—by which I meant the New Age stuff.

For a while, I immersed myself in self-help and the “self-love” messages pushed by that culture. But eventually, I realized that no amount of focusing on “self” could truly save me. I could barely hold myself together—how was I supposed to save all the broken parts of my life?

Slowly, I found my way back to God. I began praying again, though I’ll admit, I still struggle. I consider myself more spiritual than religious, but my relationship with God has deepened, especially this year.

A Rocky Start to the Year

First, let me tell you how my year began.

Christmas 2023 was one of the loneliest times of my life. No “boy toy” for the holidays, and my planned trip to visit family was canceled because I couldn’t bring my dog along. So, I stayed behind in Trinidad to be with my pup.

I spent the holiday season crying, wondering what I had done to end up so alone. My son was in Canada with my family, and while I was happy for them, my sadness consumed me. Waking up on Christmas morning to an empty apartment—with no one to cook for or share coffee with—was unbearable.

It hit differently that year. I’ve spent other holidays alone in Trinidad, but 2023’s loneliness gripped me in a way I couldn’t shake.

Then, shortly after the season ended, my sister called. She missed me and invited me to visit her family. It was perfect timing—I desperately needed a break from the island and some time with family.

Crying Out to God

Even with the fresh start of a new year, life didn’t magically improve. My job started brewing drama, and I’ll save those details for another time. During my January trip, I got sick twice—once because I felt the need to walk through Home Depot, of all places, just to feel some masculine energy. (It worked, by the way—wink, wink).

But on my flight back to Trinidad, I broke down. I prayed harder than ever, crying out to God to guide me. I felt like an utter failure—40 years old, directionless, and holding onto nothing but unfulfilled dreams.

At the same time, friendships began fading away. People I once leaned on disappeared, and I didn’t have the energy to chase anyone. I decided to let go of what needed to go.

I spent many weekends crying, mourning the connections I thought I’d have and the life I thought I’d be living.

When God Calls, You Show Up

Despite being a loner, I felt compelled to attend a praise and worship session at the gym where I take kickboxing classes. The owner, a young man I deeply admire, was hosting it. At the time, I knew very little about the Christian faith. I liked reading the Bible occasionally and listening to worship music, but I didn’t think much of it beyond that.

Still, I showed up to support the gym. Little did I know, something in me was shifting.

After a few sessions, my life felt like it was falling apart—nightmares, messiness at home and work, and an overwhelming sense of despair. I felt like I was dying a spiritual death, but I kept attending.

One Saturday, the pastor singled me out: “You—I need to pray for you.”

Mortified, I froze. I’d just watched a podcast on the Jezebel spirit and thought, Oh no, God, what did I do?

Earlier in the session, a female pastor spoke about God’s love, emphasizing that it’s available to all of us—even when we feel unworthy. I wanted to go up for prayer then but held back, thinking, Maybe next time. I’m not ready.

Joke’s on me, because that Saturday changed my life forever.

Stone Heart Breaks Open

Before that day, I’d been praying hard against generational curses—singleness, addiction, stagnation, idolatry, and poverty mindsets. I prayed for my family and for guidance, but deep down, I felt like a lost cause.

As the pastors laid their hands on me and began to pray, I heard a voice in my heart: Surrender to me.

And so I did.

I broke open. Tears I’d suppressed for months flowed freely. As they prayed over my life, my family, and my future, my heart—a heart I had protected for years—shattered in the best way. I had spent so long guarding it against grief and heartbreak that I forgot what it felt like to let love in.

For the first time, I truly understood: God loves me. Not as a distant deity, but as my Heavenly Father. It was a love I had overlooked but could no longer deny.

Spiritual Warfare

After that encounter, I felt a shift in my life. But I was also warned: “Prepare for war. The devil doesn’t like it when you give your life to God.”

And sure enough, the attacks began. Arguments with my dad, worsening depression, and overwhelming feelings of confusion and despair. But through it all, I leaned into praise and worship, immersing myself in God’s presence and His word.

I prayed on my knees, often through tears. Some nights, I curled into a fetal position, crying out to God. And slowly, I began to see His hand in my life.

God’s Plan, Not Mine

Around this time, I started my podcast—a bold move for someone who had convinced herself she was too old to start anything new. I dedicated my podcast to books, healing, and mindset, and it became a source of joy amid the chaos.

I stopped praying for a husband, stopped clinging to old dreams, and shifted my focus entirely to my relationship with God. He began revealing truths I couldn’t ignore, exposing people and situations that no longer served me.

The transformation wasn’t easy—it was messy, painful, and raw. But through it all, I’ve learned that God’s plan for my life is far greater than anything I could imagine.

Unfinished, Yet Powerful

I’m still in the thick of my journey. My life isn’t perfect, and I have no idea what’s next. But one thing is certain: my testimony is still being written, and it’s powerful.

So if you’re feeling lost, broken, or unfinished, know this—God meets us exactly where we are. And He loves us, even in our mess.